Serendipity

2006-05-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

15 things I will never forget about the Islamabad trip:

1) Marriott.
2)Veronica Franco
3)The feminist argument
4)Zahras dilemma at my farm
5)Brutus's abuse of me
6)Chottay Aalam Channay and the translation of striptease
7)My possesiveness towards the keycard
8)The insanely expensive complementary breakfast
9)Bathrobes that you get emotionally attached to
10)Swimming in a shalwar
11)Fizas crazy laughing fits in ikkys car
12)Being marginalized in the backest seat of the Prado
13)Crazy sad women reality shows that I was forced to watch for many many hours
14)The tragedy that befell me in the daewoo on the way back
15)Dogs jumping on spring mattresses

Happiness.

2006-04-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

I'm writing here because i have a 2000 word paper due in 7 hours and procastination is always a better option.... just finished writing such a long email, another fun thing to do when more important things await. my thought of the day for today is how little things in life can make u so happy, like getting a good grade when u weren't expecting it, or someone saying something that is uncharacteristic of them, watching desperate housewives at the end of a long day of endless classes, and best of all: finding out that the paper due today is not even graded. what if you put all these small happinesses together in a chain and it forms a big happiness for u... can it make u happy about the broader scheme of things or do we need something big for that, something big enough to sustain the happiness. But i've found the euphoria of everything fades away sooner or later, so why not just add up the little things and make them last as long as we can.
i will ponder on this for a while now, something to waste more time with.

My Brain Pattern

2006-03-15T20:49:00.000-08:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

yummy weather!!

2006-03-14T00:20:00.000-08:00

what a day!get up go to class teacher doesnt show up...go for breakfast..come back put on sad s0ngs and enjoy the weather.
aaah life...

2006-03-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

Realizations of the day for today Friday 10th March 2006

1) Even if I chose to, I can't brush my hair because its too wild and curly and hairbrushes get stuck in it.
2) My little brother has turned ten and does not know that hi is spelt hi and not hai.
3) Everything I wrote in a previous post about moving on was bullshit.

thursday 9th march 2006 11:32 am

2006-03-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

20 minutes before philo of education...after intro to philo me and myself made a pact to never take a philo course again but i apparently went back on the pact 2 quarters later...its not a bad course i just need to actually do the readings this time.
creative writings such a nice course :) which is why i have decided i will write in my blog everyday to keep the creative juices flowing, even though nothing i write here needs any creativity at all, its just an outlet where i empty the contents of this confused mind.
dinner yesterday at humas home with zahra and zenab was quite fun, its nice to get out of lums and chill at someones home even if all u end up doing is watching american idol and talking abt miguel and yasser hashmi :)
unless cbl somehow interferes, i am going home in two weeks to babysit daniel and buddy and phoebe and cattacino while the parents fly off to some conference somewhere. i'm so happy!nothing better come between me and this plan now.
i'm lissening to babylon...aah a level days...
ok now i shall get ready for the philo class
i miss nadz and losty
farhad is leaving today...i cannot get over this thing.
this may just be the most random, jumbled and disjointed post i have ever written.

?

2006-03-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

whats happening to me I think I'm becoming an introvert! maybe it was those 3 days of solitude that did this to me or on the other hand maybe it was all the second hand chars i inhaled in the past few days ;) but somewhere something has changed and i just dont want to be around people anymore. right now i can imagine myself doing this the rest of the quarter. go to classes on the rare days that i have them, come back and stay in room away from civilization for rest of week. i've started loving the alone time i get these days even if it means i just sit and think about the most random things for hours....
whats really beginning to scary me is that day by day my tolerance level for people is decreasing decreasing and then decreasing a bit more. now there are just a handful of people i can be around and not get irritated thank god for them. maybe if i spend enough time with myself, when i get out of the dorm ill even be glad to see all those irritating people. and farhad is leaving :'( one down from that already quite small number.
one year ago today, our first spring quarter had just started and we still had a very large number or friends and we had no idea what sort of disasters were about to occur, no actually we had gotten a bit of a preview in MJ. today i listened to all my CD 6 songs to remind me of last spring quarter, when me and a lot of my friends made more bad decisions than we probably have ever made before, and decided this spring quarter will be everything that the last one wasn't: in other words good.
i like gender and society! the teachers a hard core feminist and i'm shaping up to be something of that sort to it seems after my research at cbl and my decision to take this course.
ok don't feel like typing anymore...will go find other modes of entertainment...
over and out.

2006-03-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

4 classes tuesday
4 classes thursday
no classes other 5 days
this will be the quarter of my dreams! :D

Back

2006-03-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

im back in lums. cbl is over and my quarter break has officially started.
Realization of the day for today: its amazing how much better 16 hrs of sleep and a hot shower can make u feel.
so cbls over...it was an interesting experience but i havent really formulated my feelings about it fully yet so cant express them.but i suppose once in a while every has to have the experience of sleepings in charpais with quilts that smell really bad and then wake up n realize theres no water in the bathrooms...its a part of learning and somewhere somehow at some point (i hope) it will come in handy.
one very imp thing i learnt in cbl however was that shahram has a beautiful voice! i can't get over this song, not odd, considering we heard it from TR, the TA and then on our cell phones like a million times in two days. its a "magical" song in hamzas words :) (sorry hamza!)
tum wahan ho
mein yahan hoon
hum rahe ajnabi
tum wahan ho
mein yahan hoon
hum milay na kabhi
nice. ok more details later...must start process of cleaning room. i love quarter break!

moving on (cont.)

2006-02-25T16:28:00.000-08:00

ok my keyboard may not be working properly because my perspectives book just fell out of my shelf and on to it and half of it broke. oh well that shall not stop me from writing in my blog.im too tired to do anything rite now (even sleep).....strange how i only want to write at the weirdest times, like a few hours before my hb exam when i know i have enuff time to sleep.hmmm...
I have a HB exam...and then a french exam...and then a perspectives exam and a perspectives lj and a perspectives story and then i have cbl and then the spring quarter.i have never wanted to go home so badly. i want to sit with phoebe and buddy, play xbox with daniel on the monster tv, watch veronica mars,sleep for hours and hours in my orange room and forget everything abt lahore, but i can't do any of those things till end of may.and its killing me.
I have decided only p and noy have the ability to make me feel like such a first class bitch. i cant help being mean to p, and then every day i get a guilt trip abt how shes not well and its not her fault shes like this and how it would feel to be so sick. i want her to go home because that is fifty times easier than dealing with a person like her. noy is right, i really am a first class bitch.
about the post-it:
the post it on my desk which said "move on" i put it on my desk on 15th jan, the day i came back from khi, because whatever i did in khi...the whole point was so that i could actually move on...and it came off on 22nd feb....one n a half mth later. its a great feeling knowing that u really and truly are over someone, gives u an immense feeling of freedom and self content. because for me it wasn't just that one n a half mths, it was something ive been trying to do since may, something i always had a bad feeling abt. i didnt want to let go, because when uve liked someone for close to a year, then more than anything else they just become a habit and just the idea of letting go is such a big insecurity in itself. therefore this is my biggest achievement for winter quarter, with reading the whole IBR reading package and going to the gym close seconds. and then sometimes i listen to summer quarter songs or autumn quarter songs and suddenly im really scared that maybe i wasn't ready to take off that post-it yet.but no.i was.
i never meant to lose a friend in this whole process, cuz at the end of the day hes still a really cool guy...sometimes my own behavior doesnt really make sense to me, its just that my self respect really gets in the way sometimes, and secondly when uve gone thru so many feelings in so many quarters becuz of one particular person (and yes possibly sever relationship with one of your closest friends too) and you know its for nothing, then theres an inevitable point when you just dont want to deal with it anymore, dont even want to keep the memory. i will never be able to look at him and think theres my friend, ill always remember stuff.I will always feel stupid. Thats the thing about people-Human Nature tends to give out. its not the correct way to deal with things, but i dont know.....its the only way i can.
as for noy....now i'm over this boy and i can see everything from a holistic perspective, and no i still dont think id ever go out with him, we're too diff and at the end of the day hes so stable i love him n if i screwed him up id never forgive me. i still hold what happened on new yr agaisnt him and i still also maintain that i never led him on, but i feel really bad cuz i really miss him. hes been a friend long enough that if we actually ever decided to fix things, they could possibly be fixed. but u need energy for that. and i dont have any left.
its 6:15 and the suns rising, if i dont sleep now ill never get up for hb....
over and out
p.s:oreo choc mousse cake in the rain is tooo killer.
p.p.s:happpyyy bdayyyy zahraaa!

2006-02-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

there was this bright yellow post it on my desk...it said MOVE ON...seems like i've been waiting forever to take it off and today i have done the deed..arghhhh!!!
many more details after the islam exam...going to go straighten my hair.

I miss samu

2006-02-03T13:01:00.000-08:00

memoirs of a geisha is such a goood movie!!i knew i was going to love it cuz i loved the book, and there were no disappointments...it was kind of cool how you think that theres no way shes going to get the guy cuz he saw her with that english dude and also cuz she uses that ultra dramatic line "the heart dies a slow death, shedding hope like leaves from the trees" (WHAT a line!!),and then surprise surprise mr. chairman actually does come through in the end. they liked each other for 20 yrs wat a waste of time,shouldve just gotten down to business earlier,oh well bottom line is i loved the movie, with chronicles of narnia the lion the witch and the wardrobe, coming in at a close 2nd place: that movie in pHeNOMenalll in the amount of overness it has in it but it was too cute, and lucy and mr and mrs beaver won my heart.

realization number 2 for today:working out gives u a strange feeling of control over ure life.makes not much sense i know but i generally dont make that much sense so its all good.

realization number 1 for today: Samu's gone. anyone whose spent more than a few hours with me even knows that this is an extremely big blow to me and something i shall take my own sweet time getting over.i love samu hes the hottest and sweetest and cutest and biggest billa i have ever met and i shall miss him so much so much so much i cant express it in quantitative terms ever. my roommate has given me a bit of hope by telling me abt some cat who came back after a year,and then theres nadia and insiya who have had there msn nicks: 'missing mimi' for the past two months....arghh!!i cant deal with this! i have decided i shall delete the samu community as some sort of closure.
and ive also decided i may use one of my 'only two times a year' activity on him.

2006-01-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

2006 is the year of the dog.
and it better be, its about time the Dog King had a year of her own, one in which everything goes right.maybe,this will be the one.
so im twenty, how did i become so old!?it was a great bday..thanks to all my dawgs who all made a muchly big effort to make sure it wasn't a disaster like last yr. in the midst of all the cards cake bday and dinner plans studying for islam and having a joint bday with little dog, two things hit me:its great to have friends, and: IM SO GROWN up. one of the dawgs wrote in my card that being 20 means I can let go of all bad teenage tendencies, and keep all the cool ones that define who I am. i heard the sunscreen song in the middle of the night, and have decided it makes more sense every time u listen to it.we even heard i will survive, and i sang aint no sunshine when shes gone, but then that is another story on its own.
so making a long story short, the day was quite cool, and i have decided that yes certain people might have just been right, i do LOVE being the center of attention, its nice to have one day in the year devoted all to u.
the sad and ironic part of the bday was that the three ppl who are/were of most importance to me have very conveniently ignored my bday.but being 20 means letting go, and well thats what i've done. or in the process of doing,actually.
i'm trying to figure out if i've learnt enough things in these past 20 years of existence, enough experiences to equip me no matter where things go from here?and i have decided the answer is semi-yes.in some fields ive gone through more than everyone else,but in others im still getting there;however, i think that in these past 2,3 years ive done my share of growing up and coping, and yes i might just be able to cope with adult life (not that im anywhere close to living it right now)

happy bday to me!

2006-01-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

im TWENTY years old!!!it was a great bday!and so many thoughts and feelings to express but no time to express them becuz of good old islam and perspectives.ill be back in a few hours and shall then continue.

2006-01-23T02:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we put up walls.
not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down.

2006-01-22T14:15:00.000-08:00

right now,everything you want is wrong

and right now, all your dreams are waking up

and right now,I wish I could follow you

to the shores

of freedom

where no one lives.

2006-01-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

To Do list:
.Thought Paper
.Perspectives presentation
.French exam/presentation
.Islam Paper
.Clean cupboard
.Finish HOuse season 1
.Find my Pink RAZR!!
.Work out!
.Fix relationship
.MOVE ON

of irritating people.

2006-01-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

i have never wanted to kill anyone as much as i want to kill a certain someone from my french2 class. talk about crossing all limits of irritating!!!

angels and devils

2006-01-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

the angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever,are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around

Misterogynist

2006-01-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

mi·ster.og·y·nist
n. One who hates men.
adj. Of or characterized by a hatred of men.
one of my idiot dawgs came up with this word today....me n zenab are going through this beautiful phase of being men haters together...its a lot of fun if ure not alone in it.phase of the day for 19th january 2006 in being a radical feminist.i will be one of those feminist chicks who dont wear bras and roam around with their shirt buttons open simply because why should they not?which reminds me today i got the most beautiful underwear from la senza...which is definitely becoming one of my favourite and most visited shops in lhr.im so happy,theyre such nice bright colours :D....wat else happened today?yeah i still dont have my beautiful pink razr which im dying for now becuz this phone is really giving me too much stress.but oh well it will come.
today the most random thing occurred to me at the most random moment.in the middle of my underwear shopping and subway trip it suddenly hit me that what would i do without my dawgs?!and all the dawgs are so unique and strange and great in their own ways....i think i must spend more time appreciating the dawgs everyday,muchly lost i would be without them....cheers to the dawgs :)
i learnt some very interesting things in hb today.introvert or extrovert?psychotic or neurotic or both?i have come to the conclusion that i am one of those who are somewhere in the middle of intro and extro and swing to both extremes once in a while...as for my neuroticism and psychoticism meter,im still working on figuring that out.i also learnt that depression arises from the feeling of not being in control of ure own circumstances. a lot of things started making a lot of sense after that.well im sure the control will come soon.everything shall be cool then.which reminds me,today i have realized that seeing the number plate of a certain car does very very strange things to me....its like it sets of some sort of signal in my head and then everything that i work so hard to forget whole day comes flying back.madness?yes indeed.oh well thats me for u.

p.s:its my best friends bday tonight.happy bday loser.

Anti-Serendipity

2006-01-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

im back...2 months later.and my views abt so many things have changed.for one:my once ultra strong belief in and love for the word serendipity has vanished.there is no such thing as serendipity,no such thing as being at the right place at the right time.thats just called good luck and it happens to 1 in every 100 ppl,coincidentally,i am among the other 99. Is there a word to describe the opposite of serendipity?when ure at the right place at the wrong time and theres that split second which will ruin a countless number of things?im going to work on finding that word.serendipity days are gone.should have known.

2005-11-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

Strange what this feeling of not having a place to belong can do to a person.

2005-11-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

As the song goes..."you lost yourself,in your search to find something else to hide behind"...this time i've really lost myself. how did i ever change so much?these days i reflect on what i've become and what i did and i feel like i can't recognise myself anymore...fallen in my own eyes...how much longer can i keep this exterior?
How about a second chance or a new beginning?where can i get myself one of those?!?

2005-07-31T04:57:00.000-07:00

The minions came again today

That sounds like a beginning

What else to say?

Can it be you, out there, reading these words?

Serendipity Revisited

2005-07-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm rethinking serendipity...should we really call it good luck?
or is it just being in the right place at the right time?

Everybody Is SomeOne...

2005-07-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

stumbling I fall away it's hard to make a change
easy to be who you are when no one knows your name
walking past the lonely walls with eyes as cold as stone
climb inside the emptiness it's safe when you're alone

all this time you lived alone without a memory
built your life upon the ground that sinks beneath your feet
step outside the misery for once you feel alive
second chances only come around once in a life

Just look around
Everybody is SomeoNe...

2005-06-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Ah!Vanitas Vanitatum! Which of us is happy with this world?
Which of us has his desire?Or,having it, is satisfied?
-Come children, let us shut up the box and the puppets,
For,
Our play-is played out.
-W. M. Thackeray

Its Never Too Late.

2005-06-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

Of Broken and Fragile Things....

2005-06-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

Rule # 1
If something is fragile then you take extra good care of it. Don't trust anyone with it either, because fragile things once broken, will always be difficult to repair.

I had a crystal ashtray once, it was very beautiful, but very delicate. I took great care of it, tried keeping it as safe as I could. And then there came the day when it actually fell, despite everything and got chipped. Fixed it up again, but it was scarred. Fell again, broke from another place, but there was still hope, still room to be fixed. Finally there came a day when, it being in harms way fell a third time and shattered into a million tiny pieces: Sun and Crystal casting a galore of rainbows in the room-and it could never be fixed again. Theres just a certain number of times something broken can be fixed-and no more. One day the pain of all its past breaks will envelope it and it will shatter. Each piece having its own reality. Crystal can break, but its not the only thing that can- Spirits can too-and of course. Hearts.

S E M A G D N I M

2005-06-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

S e r e n d i p i t y (again)

2005-06-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Pure good luck in finding things you weren't looking for....

Rain

2005-06-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

Theres something strange about rain... you can be watching it and put your whole life into perspective. But not tonight.....tonight, in the seemingly unstoppable way in which it was raining, I couldn't help wondering if some God had finally given up His endless task. Had finally downed all his tools in sheer dispair at the weight of errors and mistakes that he simply wasn't able to control anymore. And had at last sat down to cry....

2005-06-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

What would you have done if someone had offered you a temporary period of happiness?pluck a figure out of the air...say, for instance 103 days. Hundred and Three days of the kind of happiness that you thought existed only in dreams. With no promises of any more. And with the unspoken threat that you might lose everything else you had. Would you grab the chance with both hands and the use every trick available to you to get an extension of sorts? Would you shy away in alarm, convinced there was bound to be a catch in it somewhere, and let the chance slip away, fearful of losing what you already had? Or would you merely take what you were given, with gratitude that miracles could sometimes come your way too?

2005-06-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

My house says to me, "do not leave me, for here dwells your past."
And the road says to me, "Come and follow me, for I am your future."
And I say to both my house and the road,
"I have no past, nor have I a future. If I stay here, there is a going in my staying;
And if I go there is a staying in my going.
Only love and death change all things."
-Khalil Gibran

2005-06-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Inside, I was a child, That could not mend a broken wing
Outside, I looked for a way, to teach my heart to sing

2005-06-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

ser·en·dip·i·ty
n : good luck in making unexpected and fortunate discoveries